We’ve all been there. Standing at the cash register, watching as the clerk asks, “Would you like your receipt?” And most of us just grab it, stuff it in our pocket, and forget about it. But what if that little paper could make someone laugh? What if your boring old receipt could turn a cashier’s day around or make a restaurant server smile?
I started writing silly notes on receipts years ago. The first time was an accident—I drew a tiny face next to my signature. The cashier giggled, and I felt like I’d discovered a secret superpower. Since then, I’ve made it my mission to spread joy one receipt at a time. Trust me, it works better than any tip to make someone’s day.
Ready to become the receipt comedian you never knew you wanted to be? Let’s get scribbling!
Funny Things to Write on Receipts
Here are 30 hilarious ways to turn that boring piece of paper into comedy gold. No comedy degree needed!
1. “This signature brought to you by my non-dominant hand”
This works great when your signature looks like a toddler wrote it. Just own the mess! People appreciate honesty about bad handwriting.
The best time to use this is after a big shopping trip when your hand is tired from pushing that heavy cart. Bonus points if you actually try signing with your non-dominant hand—the results are always good for a laugh.
2. “I promise this isn’t stolen”
Write this next to your signature for an instant chuckle from the cashier. It’s silly because obviously you just paid for the items!
This joke lands best at fancy stores where you’ve spent way too much money. The contrast between the high price and the joke about theft creates the perfect funny moment. Just don’t use this one at the airport duty-free—security has no sense of humor.
3. “Future evidence for my financial bad decisions”
Perfect for those splurge purchases you know you shouldn’t make but do anyway. That $200 blender? That fifth pair of shoes this month? Own it with humor!
Cashiers see people having buyer’s remorse all day long. When you joke about it, you stand out as the fun customer who brightens their day. This works especially well at electronics stores or anywhere selling luxury items.
4. “My cat made me buy this”
Blame your purchases on your pets! It’s silly, cute, and always gets a smile. Who can argue with the powerful influence of our furry friends?
For extra laughs, use this one when buying pet supplies. The circular logic makes it even funnier. Also great when purchasing anything completely unrelated to pets, like power tools or fancy kitchen gadgets.
5. “Please don’t tell my spouse”
A classic receipt joke that never fails to get a laugh. The cashier becomes your pretend accomplice in your “secret” shopping trip.
This one shines best when buying something completely innocent like groceries or socks. The contrast between the boring purchase and the fake secrecy is what makes it funny. Skip this one if buying anything that could actually cause relationship problems!
6. “Drawing of me running from my credit card bill”
Skip words entirely and go with a simple stick figure drawing of someone running. Add some motion lines and maybe a dollar sign cloud chasing the figure.
Your artistic skills don’t matter here—the worse the drawing, the funnier it is! This works great at the end of the month when everyone feels the budget pinch. The cashier will relate all too well to your financial cartoon.
7. “This is my fancy signature for purchases over $50”
Write this with the fanciest, most over-the-top signature you can manage. Add swirls, loops, and maybe even a tiny crown on top.
It works best when buying something slightly expensive but not truly fancy. The contrast between your “fancy” signature and the ordinary purchase creates the perfect joke. Great for gas stations or supermarkets when your total creeps above $50.
8. “I was told there would be free samples”
This joke lands perfectly at any store that doesn’t typically offer samples. The absurdity is what makes it funny.
Write this at hardware stores, clothing shops, or bookstores for maximum effect. The cashier will likely laugh at the thought of what “samples” would even mean in that context. It creates a moment of shared silliness in an otherwise boring transaction.
9. “Just practicing for when I’m famous”
Sign with the most elaborate, illegible scrawl you can manage. The contrast between your everyday purchase and the implication of future stardom creates instant humor.
This joke works anywhere, but it’s especially funny when you’re buying the most ordinary items possible. There’s something hilarious about pretending your toilet paper purchase needs a celebrity autograph. The cashier will appreciate the break from normal signatures.
10. “My budget said no but my heart said yes”
We all know that feeling when we want something we shouldn’t buy. This receipt message acknowledges that universal truth with a touch of humor.
The best place for this joke is specialty stores selling hobby items, craft supplies, or collectibles. The employees there understand the passion behind impulsive purchases and will appreciate your self-awareness. It creates an instant bond over shared shopping weaknesses.
11. “The receipt is longer than what I came for”
This works perfectly at drug stores or places known for their ridiculously long receipts. You know the ones—you buy a pack of gum and get a receipt as tall as you are.
The best timing is when you truly did only buy one or two small items but received the legendary long receipt. The cashier deals with these paper monsters all day and will appreciate someone noticing the absurdity. It’s a moment of shared reality that creates connection.
12. “Plot twist: I’m returning this tomorrow”
Write this on something you absolutely love and would never return. The joke works because of the contrast between your obvious satisfaction and the fake threat of return.
This humor hits best with big-ticket items that would be a pain to return, like furniture or appliances. The sales staff who just spent time helping you will get a quick laugh at the fake switcheroo. Just make sure your tone is clearly joking!
13. “I’ll treasure this receipt forever”
The funny part is treating a throwaway piece of paper like a precious keepsake. Add little hearts around it for extra effect.
This joke lands perfectly when buying something completely forgettable, like lightbulbs or cleaning supplies. The dramatic contrast between the mundane purchase and your proclaimed devotion to its receipt creates the perfect silly moment that cashiers rarely experience.
14. “This signature inspired by my first-grade teacher”
Pair this with your neatest, most careful signature—the kind you’d use when first learning to write. Bonus points for adding those guide lines kids use when practicing.
This joke works best when you have a bit of extra time at checkout and won’t hold up a line. It’s perfect for quiet stores where the cashier might appreciate a moment of nostalgia mixed with humor. Everyone has memories of learning to write, making this relatable.
15. “Will work for store credit”
This silly offer of employment in exchange for more shopping opportunities always gets a smile. It speaks to our shared love of whatever that store sells.
The joke works best at specialty stores where you’re obviously passionate about their products—craft stores, bookshops, or gaming stores. The staff there will relate to loving the merchandise so much you’d work just to get more. It creates an instant bond.
16. “This purchase sponsored by my coffee addiction”
Perfect for early morning shopping when you’re clearly caffeinated and making possibly questionable decisions. Even better if you’re holding a coffee cup while signing.
This joke works anywhere, but it’s especially funny at stores unrelated to your morning coffee. The cashier will connect with the universal experience of making coffee-fueled decisions. It humanizes the transaction and creates a shared moment.
17. “Drawing of thumbs up if you like your job”
This turns your receipt into a tiny, private survey for the cashier. They can respond with their own drawing when no manager is looking.
The beauty of this joke is that it acknowledges the person behind the register as a human with feelings about their work. It shows you see them beyond the transaction. Use this when the store isn’t busy so they have time to respond if they want to.
18. “My handwriting gets worse with each purchase today”
Start with a neat signature, then use progressively messier writing if you need to sign multiple receipts. The visual gag develops over time.
This works perfectly when shopping at several stores in a mall or when buying multiple items that each need signatures. The cashier will appreciate the commitment to the bit. It turns a repetitive task into something unexpectedly entertaining.
19. “This signature shows I skipped handwriting class”
Pair this with your absolute worst handwriting. The acknowledgment of your scribble shows self-awareness and gives the cashier permission to laugh.
The joke works anywhere you need to sign, but it’s especially funny at banks or places with important documents. The contrast between the setting’s seriousness and your handwriting joke relieves tension. Just make sure your signature is still valid enough to be accepted!
20. “I came in for one thing and left with twenty”
The classic shopping experience we’ve all had—walking out with way more than planned. This joke acknowledges that shared retail reality.
This humor hits perfectly at target, grocery stores, or anywhere with tempting displays designed to add to your cart. The cashier watches this happen all day and will appreciate someone calling it out. It creates a moment of “we both know what happened here” understanding.
21. “Drawing of sad wallet face”
Skip words entirely and draw a simple wallet with a frowning face. Even the worst artists can manage this one!
This visual gag works best after expensive purchases. The cashier will immediately get the joke without you having to say a word. Sometimes the simplest jokes land best, especially when they tap into the universal experience of spending more than you planned.
22. “My dog will chew this anyway”
Perfect if you have a receipt-loving pet at home. It acknowledges the futility of trying to save receipts in a house with paper-shredding animals.
Use this joke when buying pet supplies for maximum effect. The staff at pet stores will relate to the paper-destroying tendencies of our beloved animals. It creates an instant connection over shared pet parent experiences that go beyond the transaction.
23. “Do I get a prize for signing on the line perfectly?”
We all know those credit card machines where finding the signature line feels like an Olympic sport. This joke acknowledges that shared frustration.
The humor works best at stores with particularly tricky signature pads or faded lines. The cashier deals with watching people struggle all day and will appreciate someone naming the challenge. It turns a moment of potential frustration into shared laughter.
24. “I promise this purchase is tax deductible (not really)”
The perfect joke for anything that’s definitely not a business expense. The parenthetical admission makes it clear you’re not actually committing tax fraud!
This lands best when buying fun, clearly personal items. The contrast between the obviously non-work purchase and the claim of tax deduction creates the humor. Cashiers see people trying to fake business expenses and will appreciate your joking transparency.
25. “Saving this receipt until the end of time”
We all know receipts usually go straight to the trash or get lost in a drawer. This joke plays on that reality by claiming the opposite.
The humor works best for extremely ordinary purchases that no one would need a receipt for long-term. Claiming eternal record-keeping for your pack of gum or bananas creates absurdity that cashiers rarely encounter, making it memorable and funny.
26. “Proof I left my house today”
In our age of online shopping and working from home, sometimes a receipt is evidence we actually went somewhere. This joke celebrates that small victory.
This lands perfectly in the morning when you’re clearly making your first outing of the day. Cashiers are used to being part of people’s routines and will appreciate the acknowledgment of their role in your day. It humanizes what could otherwise be a forgettable transaction.
27. “Witness to my impulse control issues”
Perfect for those unplanned purchases we all make. The receipt becomes personified as a silent observer to your shopping habits.
The joke works best when buying something small but unnecessary—that candy bar at checkout, a magazine you grabbed while waiting, or a clearance item you spotted. The cashier sees impulse purchases all day and will appreciate your self-awareness.
28. “Autograph of a future lottery winner”
Sign with flourish, as if your signature might be worth something someday when you hit the jackpot. The optimism is endearing and silly at once.
This joke works especially well when also purchasing lottery tickets, but it’s funny anywhere. The cashier might hear a lot of lottery dreams but rarely with such signature commitment. The visual gag of your excessive signature sells the joke.
29. “Please file this under ‘things I didn’t need'”
We all buy things we don’t truly need. This joke acknowledges that shopping truth with self-aware humor.
The joke lands best when buying luxury items or things clearly in the “want” rather than “need” category. Cashiers watch people’s purchasing patterns all day and will appreciate someone who can laugh at their own consumption habits. It creates a moment of shared understanding.
30. “I’d like to thank the academy for this receipt”
End your list with an acceptance speech! Pretend receiving your receipt is like winning an award and express your gratitude dramatically.
This works best when you can take a moment for the full joke—thanking the cashier, the store, and anyone else involved in your “award-winning” purchase. It’s unexpected and turns a routine transaction into something memorable. Just keep it brief if others are waiting in line!
Wrapping Up
Who knew that tiny slip of paper could hold so much funny power? These 30 receipt jokes prove that humor can pop up in the most unexpected places. The best part? You’re spreading joy to workers who might really need a smile during their long day of beeping items across scanners.
So next time you sign a receipt, take that extra second to add a little joke. It costs nothing, takes almost no time, and might just be the highlight of someone’s workday. And in a world that could always use more laughs, that makes you a receipt comedy hero!