So your friend got a new house, and you need to write something in their card. But what? “Congratulations” feels as boring as beige walls. And let’s face it, nobody wants to be the person who writes “Hope you make many happy memories” like some kind of greeting card robot. Your friend deserves better! They just spent their life savings on a place where the bathroom door probably doesn’t even close right. The least you can do is make them laugh.
I’ve collected 30 funny messages you can write in new home cards that will actually get read instead of tossed in that drawer where all cards go to die. These will make your friend giggle while they unpack their fifteenth box of “stuff I might need someday” and question all their life choices. Plus, you’ll look super smart and witty without trying too hard.
Funny Things to Write in a New Home Card
Want to stand out from all those boring well-wishers? Here are 30 hilarious messages that will make your card the one they actually keep.
1. “May your WiFi be strong and your neighbors be normal”
Let’s be honest – good internet and non-weird neighbors are the true markers of home happiness. This wish speaks to what people really care about in a new place.
No amount of fancy furniture can make up for spotty internet or the neighbor who practices bagpipes at midnight. This message works great for tech-loving friends or anyone who has told you horror stories about their previous living situations.
2. “Congrats on your new place to hide bodies… I mean, store your stuff!”
This joke plays on the exciting space that comes with a new home. It’s especially funny for friends moving from tiny apartments to bigger places.
Your friend will laugh thinking about all the extra closets and storage spaces they now have. This works best for close friends with a darker sense of humor who won’t actually think you’re hinting at anything sinister!
3. “Your new mortgage payment and my therapy bills cost about the same. Coincidence? I think not.”
This joke lands because buying a house is so expensive it feels like therapy should be included. It creates a funny bond between your financial situations.
The joke works best for good friends who are open about money talk. Skip this one for more formal relationships or if your friend seemed stressed about the home buying process.
4. “I’d say make yourself at home, but… you already are.”
Simple but clever wordplay that points out the obvious in a fresh way. This one gets a chuckle for its straightforward humor.
Friends will appreciate this laid-back joke that doesn’t try too hard. It’s perfect for any new homeowner regardless of their sense of humor or how well you know them.
5. “Finally, a place where you can dance like nobody’s watching (except those neighbors with the perfect view into your living room)”
Privacy in new homes isn’t always what people expect! This joke acknowledges the funny reality of modern neighborhood living.
This message works great for friends in close-set suburban homes or apartments with big windows. The mental image of awkward dancing spotted by judgmental neighbors makes this reliably funny.
6. “Your house is so nice, I might accidentally leave some of my stuff here. Permanently.”
We all have that friend who “forgets” things at our place. Now you can be that friend! This joke hints at how inviting their new place must be.
The humor comes from the slight invasion disguised as a compliment. Best used with close friends who will get the joke rather than worry you’re planning to move in uninvited.
7. “Congratulations on your new home! Now I know where to send the glitter bombs.”
This combines a sincere congratulations with a mischievous threat. The contrast makes it unexpected and funny.
Glitter is famously impossible to get rid of – just like good friends! This works well for playful relationships where small pranks might actually happen.
8. “New home rule #1: My favorite snacks must always be available. This is non-negotiable.”
Food rules are funny because they’re so relatable. Everyone has that friend who comes over just to raid the fridge.
By making yourself that friend preemptively, you’re creating a running joke about visits. This works especially well if you’ve established favorite snacks in your friendship.
9. “I’ll bring wine to the housewarming. And the Tuesday after. And probably every day until your neighbors think I live there too.”
This joke plays on the excitement of visiting a friend’s new place repeatedly. It hints at how much you look forward to spending time there.
The escalation from normal visit to practically moving in creates the humor. This works best for close friends who would actually welcome frequent visits.
10. “On a scale from ‘assembling IKEA furniture’ to ‘finding the light switches in the dark,’ how’s the move going?”
Moving struggles are universal! This joke creates a funny scale of moving frustrations that any new homeowner will relate to.
The specific references to common moving challenges make this message feel personal. This works for any friend in the middle of moving chaos who needs a laugh.
11. “Your new house is gorgeous! Can I have it when you die?”
The sudden shift from compliment to inheritance request creates unexpected humor. It’s absurd in a way that catches people off guard.
This joke lands best with friends who appreciate darker humor. The bluntness works especially well for long-term friendships where such jokes feel comfortable rather than weird.
12. “Congratulations! Now you can finally start hoarding without judgment.”
This pokes fun at how extra space often leads to extra stuff. Most people secretly relate to collecting things they don’t need.
The implied permission to embrace a normally criticized habit makes this funny. This works especially well for friends who already have lots of collections or hobbies with many supplies.
13. “Welcome to homeownership, where YouTube tutorials become your new best friend (sorry, I’ve been replaced)”
This joke acknowledges the reality of fixing things yourself as a homeowner. The parenthetical adds a layer of self-deprecating humor.
New homeowners often don’t expect how much they’ll rely on DIY videos. This message works for any friend, but especially those who aren’t naturally handy.
14. “A toast to your new home: May all your troubles be small, your joys be large, and your plumbing never leak!”
This starts like a traditional toast before adding an unexpected practical wish about plumbing. The contrast between lofty sentiments and practical concerns creates humor.
Plumbing issues are a universal homeowner fear that feels both specific and relatable. This message works for any homeowner, but especially first-timers.
15. “I expect a full house tour, including that one weird corner you don’t know what to do with yet”
Every house has that awkward space! This joke shows you understand the reality of homeownership beyond the perfect social media posts.
The specific mention of the “weird corner” makes this relatable to anyone who’s moved into a new space. It works for any friend settling into a home with its quirks.
16. “Congrats on your new place! The bathroom will be our secret meeting spot during boring parties.”
This joke creates a funny future scenario at their house parties. It assumes their parties might be boring in a playfully insulting way.
Friends will laugh imagining you both hiding from other guests. This message works best for close friends who would actually hang out with you in strange places during social events.
17. “New address, same weird habits. Congratulations!”
This short message acknowledges that changing locations doesn’t change personalities. The blunt honesty makes it funny.
The contrast between the fresh start of a new home and the consistency of human behavior creates humor. This works for any friend, especially those with quirky habits they joke about.
18. “Your house is so fancy I’ll need to wear pants when I visit. This is a big sacrifice.”
Comfort level between friends is a funny topic. This joke plays on the idea that their new place deserves more respect than your usual hangouts.
The absurdity of treating pants as a major concession creates the humor. This works best for casual friendships where you normally dress comfortably around each other.
19. “Looking forward to seeing where all my future naps will happen when I visit”
This boldly assumes you’ll be making yourself at home at their place. It’s funny because it’s slightly presumptuous.
The focus on napping rather than other guest activities adds to the humor. This message works for friends who know you enjoy relaxing or who have comfortable-looking furniture.
20. “May your home be too small for drama but big enough for wine”
This plays on the idea of “good things come in small packages” with a twist. The contrast between unwanted drama and wanted wine creates the humor.
The wish implies priorities that many adults relate to – less stress, more relaxation. This message works for any friend, but especially those who enjoy unwinding with a glass of wine.
21. “Congratulations on getting a place with walls that aren’t paper-thin! Your secrets are safe now.”
Apartment living often means overhearing neighbors. This joke celebrates the privacy upgrade that comes with many new homes.
The implication that they have secrets adds a layer of playful mystery. This message works especially well for friends moving from apartments to more private housing.
22. “Now you have a guest room, which means I’m legally allowed to visit whenever I want. It’s in the homeowner’s handbook.”
This made-up rule about guest rooms is funny because it’s obviously false but stated with confidence. It plays on the obligation some feel to host once they have space.
The reference to a non-existent “homeowner’s handbook” adds to the absurdity. This works well for friends who might actually enjoy spontaneous visits.
23. “Hope your new neighbors are better than me. (But not too much better, I get jealous)”
This joke plays on friendship insecurities in a silly way. The parenthetical addition creates a funny layer of fake neediness.
The contradictory wishes – both wanting good neighbors for your friend but not wanting to be replaced – creates humor. This works for established friendships where such jokes won’t be taken seriously.
24. “Congratulations on your new home! I’ve already picked out my spot on your couch”
This message playfully assumes privileges in their space. It shows how comfortable your friendship is.
The boldness of claiming territory in someone else’s home creates the humor. This works best for close friends who wouldn’t mind you making yourself at home.
25. “New home, who dis? (Just kidding, please don’t forget me now that you’re fancy)”
This plays on the text message phrase “new phone, who dis?” in a home context. The follow-up shows fake insecurity about being forgotten.
The contrast between the cool first line and the needy parenthetical creates humor. This works for friends who would get the text message reference.
26. “I’d offer to help you move, but I value our friendship too much”
This honestly acknowledges how helping friends move can test relationships. The unexpected honesty makes it funny.
Everyone knows moving help is a big ask, making this relatable. This message works for any friend, but especially if they’ve already moved and you didn’t help!
27. “Your new place has such character! (That’s what we say when we don’t know if we like it yet, right?)”
This plays on the housing market euphemism of “character” for older or unusual homes. The parenthetical creates a moment of fake honesty.
The joke works because it points out how we often use polite phrases when unsure what to say. This message is best for friends with a good sense of humor about their new place.
28. “Excited to see your new home! I’ll bring takeout so we don’t have to find the kitchen boxes”
This message acknowledges the chaos of moving with a practical solution. It shows understanding of the moving process.
The humor comes from assuming their kitchen will be unusable, which is often true right after moving. This works well for any friend in the midst of unpacking.
29. “Now that you have a garage, can I store just a few (hundred) things there?”
The joke here is the dramatic shift from a reasonable request to an unreasonable one. The parenthetical creates the surprise.
This plays on how friends often try to take advantage of each other’s storage space. This message works best for friends with garages who would get the joke rather than worry about your storage needs.
30. “Congratulations! Is it too soon to ask which room will be mine when I need to hide from the law?”
This escalates quickly from normal congratulations to an absurd request. The unexpected shift creates humor.
The joke implies a wild side to your friendship that probably doesn’t exist. This works best for close friends with a good sense of humor who won’t actually worry about your criminal activities.
Wrapping Up
These funny new home card messages go way beyond “Happy Housewarming” and show that you put actual thought into making your friend laugh during their moving stress. Pick the one that matches your friendship – some work better for old pals who share your sense of humor, while others are safe for almost anyone.
The best part about these messages is they’ll stand out from all the other cards talking about “many happy years” and “making memories.” Your card will be the one they actually read twice and maybe even show to other people. In the sea of boring cards, yours will be the one with personality!