Your friend is having a baby! Now comes the hard part – figuring out what to write in that maternity card. Sure, you could go with “Congratulations” like everybody else, but where’s the fun in that? Your buddy is about to join the no-sleep club and change more diapers than they can count. They need a laugh more than another generic message.
Let’s face it – babies might be cute, but they’re also tiny humans who scream, poop, and turn normal adults into walking zombies who can’t finish sentences. A funny card is your chance to make the parents-to-be smile before the chaos begins. Plus, your card will stand out from all those sappy ones talking about “miracles” and “blessings” (even though babies are totally both of those things).
Get ready for some giggles! Here are 30 hilarious messages that will make any expecting parent laugh out loud – and maybe snort a little.
Funny Things to Write in a Maternity Card
Your friend is growing a human, and that deserves both congratulations and some comic relief. These messages will bring smiles to tired faces and show you understand what they’re really in for.
1. Congrats on making a mini-you! May they get your looks and the other parent’s sleeping habits.
Think about it – babies take after their parents in the funniest ways. This message works great because it playfully hopes the baby inherits the best from both sides. It’s perfect for close friends who won’t take offense to a little joke about genetics.
Besides, every parent secretly hopes their baby will be a good sleeper. This message acknowledges that universal wish while keeping things light and fun without getting too mushy.
2. Welcome to parenthood! Goodbye sleep, hello tiny dictator.
Parents-to-be have no idea what’s about to hit them. This message tells the truth but wraps it in humor that makes it easier to swallow. It works best for friends who enjoy straight talk and can laugh at the reality of baby bosses.
The term “tiny dictator” perfectly captures how a small human can suddenly run the whole household. Your friends will laugh now and then think of your card at 3 AM when they’re following orders from their new commander-in-chief.
3. Your baby will poop, puke, and cry a lot. But they’ll be YOUR pooping, puking, crying bundle of joy!
Let’s get real about babies – they’re messy! This message cuts through the fancy baby shower talk. The contrast between the gross reality and the sweet ending makes this perfect for friends who like honest humor.
Most maternity cards skip the messy details, but acknowledging them shows you’re giving practical moral support. The parents will appreciate your honesty now and your willingness to still visit after witnessing the described events later.
4. Congrats! Your nights of uninterrupted sleep are officially over… for the next 18 years.
Sleep becomes the most valuable currency once a baby arrives. This message hits the funny bone because it states an uncomfortable truth that all parents face. It’s ideal for friends who appreciate a bit of exaggerated doom and gloom humor.
The “18 years” part makes it even funnier because parents quickly learn that sleep disruption doesn’t end after the baby phase. From nighttime feedings to waiting up for teenagers, your card predicts their future with amusing accuracy.
5. I hear having a baby is like having a blender without a lid. Congratulations on your upcoming mess!
Babies spread chaos in ways nobody expects. This silly comparison perfectly captures the unpredictable nature of life with a newborn. Use this for creative friends who enjoy colorful metaphors about their soon-to-be-changed lives.
The blender metaphor works on multiple levels – noise, mess, and the feeling that everything is suddenly mixed up. Your friends will laugh now and then point to your card knowingly when they find baby socks in the fruit bowl later.
6. Your body grew an entire human! That’s both amazing and slightly scary, like most good magic tricks.
Growing a baby is truly magical when you think about it. This message celebrates that wonder while adding a touch of humor about how bizarre pregnancy really is. It’s perfect for a mom-to-be who has been amazed by her body’s changes.
The magic trick comparison adds lightness to something that can feel overwhelming. Plus, it acknowledges that while pregnancy is natural, it’s also kind of weird and spectacular – like pulling a rabbit from a hat, but much more impressive!
7. Warning: Baby side effects may include heart-melting smiles and dangerous levels of cuteness.
Playing with the format of medication warnings makes this message stand out. This works well for parents who have been reading every baby book and product label as they prepare. It’s a fresh take on the joy babies bring, presented as a caution.
Framing baby cuteness as “dangerous” flips the script on typical baby card sentiments. Instead of just saying babies are adorable, you’re suggesting their cuteness is so powerful it comes with warnings – something every new parent soon discovers is true!
8. Congrats on creating a tiny human who will one day know all your passwords and how to use them.
Looking ahead to the future adds an extra layer of humor. This message works because it jumps from the innocent newborn phase to the tech-savvy kid years in one funny leap. It’s great for parents who work in tech or love their gadgets.
This message also hints at how quickly babies grow into children with minds of their own. While they’re changing diapers now, soon they’ll be explaining new technology to their parents – a future reality that’s both sweet and slightly terrifying!
9. Now accepting applications for midnight feeding shifts. Payment in baby giggles and spit-up.
Help wanted ads for baby care make for hilarious card messages. This works well because it acknowledges the around-the-clock nature of baby care while making light of it. Perfect for friends who appreciate job-related humor or who have asked for help.
The “payment” part makes it extra funny because it accurately describes what assistants actually get. Parents will laugh because they know baby giggles are indeed worth the price of admission, even with the spit-up bonus included.
10. Babies are like farts. If it’s yours, you kind of like it. Congratulations on your little stinker!
This comparison is silly but oddly accurate. The message works because it’s unexpectedly crude yet contains a truth about parental love that crosses all boundaries. Save this one for good friends with a less formal sense of humor.
What makes this message work is how it captures a universal parenting truth – somehow your baby’s bodily functions seem less gross than other babies’. Parents will laugh because they’ll soon discover this weird phenomenon for themselves.
11. Your baby will cry, but so will you when you see your free time vanish. Fair trade!
Balance is everything in this funny message. By putting adult tears alongside baby tears, you acknowledge the emotional rollercoaster ahead. This works well for friends who value their independence and know parenthood will change that.
Calling it a “fair trade” adds the perfect touch of irony. Parents quickly learn that giving up free time for baby snuggles is indeed worth it, but that doesn’t make the transition any less shocking – something this message captures perfectly.
12. Congratulations! You’ve successfully created someone who will ask “why?” 5,000 times a day.
Looking ahead to the toddler years makes this message stand out. While most cards focus on the baby stage, this one jumps ahead to what’s coming next. It’s perfect for friends who are teachers, who have nieces and nephews, or who value curiosity.
The specific number “5,000” makes it funnier because it feels so accurate. Parents will get a kick out of this prediction now and then laugh even harder in a few years when they’re living through the question marathon you predicted.
13. So happy for you! Just think – in just 18 short years, they’ll move out. Probably.
The long-term perspective makes this message chuckle-worthy. By jumping all the way to the empty nest years, you’re giving new parents the long view in a funny way. It works best for friends who enjoy dry humor about the parenting journey.
The added “probably” is what makes this message perfect – because we all know plenty of adults who moved back home! This small detail acknowledges the changing reality of growing up while keeping the message light and funny.
14. Your baby won’t care that you haven’t showered in three days. That’s true love.
Personal hygiene takes a hit with a newborn around. This message works because it normalizes something new parents often feel embarrassed about. It’s great for close friends who appreciate honesty about the less glamorous side of parenthood.
Calling unwashed hair “true love” flips the traditional romantic notion on its head. Parents will laugh because it reframes their future disheveled state as a badge of honor rather than something to hide – a perspective shift they’ll need!
15. You’re about to learn that “sleeping like a baby” actually means waking up every two hours screaming.
This play on a common saying makes for a clever card message. By pointing out this linguistic contradiction, you’re showing you understand what’s really coming. It’s perfect for friends who enjoy witty observations about language and reality.
The contrast between the peaceful phrase and the chaotic truth makes this message land. Parents will appreciate both the humor and the heads-up about what “sleeping like a baby” truly entails – something they’ll soon experience firsthand!
16. Congrats! You’re about to join a club where people brag about poop. Yes, really.
Parenthood changes what counts as normal conversation. This message works because it points out how strange parenting can make formerly normal adults. It’s ideal for friends who value their dignity and might be surprised by this shift.
The “Yes, really” adds the perfect touch of confirmation to something that seems unbelievable. New parents don’t expect to discuss bowel movements so frequently, but they’ll soon be texting you about diaper contents – making your card oddly prophetic.
17. Remember when you judged parents whose kids had messy faces? Karma’s coming for you.
We’ve all had those pre-parent thoughts about what we would never allow. This message good-naturedly calls out those judgments with a prediction of what’s coming. It works well for friends who previously had strong opinions about how they’d parent.
The karma angle makes it especially funny because it acknowledges how life has a way of humbling us. Parents will laugh now and then think of your card when they find themselves doing exactly what they swore they never would.
18. Your baby doesn’t care about your sleep schedule, career goals, or personal hygiene. But they sure are cute!
Truth bombs make great card messages. This works because it balances brutal honesty with the redemptive power of baby cuteness. It’s perfect for career-focused friends or those who have been particular about their routines.
The structure of listing all the things babies don’t respect, followed by the saving grace of cuteness, mirrors the actual emotional journey of new parenthood. Your friends will appreciate both the warning and the reminder that it’s all worthwhile.
19. Congratulations! Your TV will now play only cartoons for the next decade.
Little changes can have big impacts on daily life. This message works because it focuses on a specific, relatable change that comes with kids. It’s great for friends who enjoy their adult shows or who have strong opinions about children’s programming.
The exaggeration of “the next decade” makes it funnier because it contains a grain of truth. Parents will laugh now and then think of your card years later when they find themselves humming cartoon theme songs in business meetings.
20. Your hobbies now include staring at your sleeping baby and checking if they’re breathing. Fun times ahead!
New parent anxieties make for surprisingly funny card content. This message works because it captures a universal new parent behavior that nobody warns you about. It’s perfect for friends who might be worried about the responsibilities ahead.
Calling these anxious moments “hobbies” and “fun times” adds the perfect touch of irony. Parents will laugh because they’ll soon discover themselves doing exactly this – and wondering if all parents do the same (they do!).
21. You’re about to become an expert in functioning without sleep. It’s basically like becoming a superhero, but with more spit-up.
Everyone loves a superhero reference. This message works because it frames the challenges ahead as special powers rather than hardships. It’s great for friends who enjoy a positive spin on the demands of new parenthood.
The comparison to superheroes, brought down to earth with the mention of spit-up, perfectly balances aspirational with realistic. Parents will appreciate both the vote of confidence in their abilities and the acknowledgment that their superpowers will come with messy side effects.
22. Welcome to parenthood: where going to the bathroom alone counts as a vacation.
Small luxuries take on new meaning after having a baby. This message works because it redefines something mundane as precious in a way that only parents understand. It’s perfect for friends who value their privacy or personal space.
The vacation comparison makes it especially funny because it’s so dramatically different from what most people consider a getaway. Parents will laugh now and then think of your card months later when they find themselves locking the bathroom door for five minutes of peace.
23. Your house will soon be filled with plastic toys that sing annoying songs at 3 AM. Batteries included, unfortunately.
The invasion of noisy toys is a parenting rite of passage. This message works because it warns about a specific aspect of parent life that’s both funny and true. It’s ideal for friends with minimalist homes or who value quiet spaces.
The “unfortunately” at the end is what makes this message perfect – acknowledging that while toys need batteries to work, parents might occasionally wish they didn’t. Your friends will laugh now and then send you knowing looks at future birthday parties.
24. New parent tip: “Put the baby down” means in the crib, not dropping them like a hot potato. You’ll learn!
Playing with potential misunderstandings makes for great humor. This message works because it pretends to offer helpful advice for a mistake no one would actually make. It’s perfect for friends who enjoy slightly absurd humor or who worry about doing things wrong.
The “You’ll learn!” adds an encouraging note to the silly advice, making it clear you believe in their parenting abilities. Parents will appreciate both the laugh and the vote of confidence in their common sense.
25. Get ready to become fluent in baby talk. Soon “goo-goo ga-ga” will make perfect sense.
Language changes are a funny side effect of parenthood. This message works because it points out how adults change to accommodate babies, not just the other way around. It’s great for friends who pride themselves on their communication skills.
The suggestion that nonsense sounds will become meaningful hints at the special parent-child bond that develops. Parents will laugh at the idea now and then be surprised later when they find themselves having full “conversations” with their babbling baby.
26. Babies don’t come with instruction manuals, but they do come with loud alarms that go off randomly.
Comparing babies to complicated gadgets makes for a fresh take. This message works because it frames baby cries as a feature rather than a bug in the system. It’s perfect for tech-savvy friends or those who like to read the instructions.
The “randomly” part makes it funnier because it acknowledges the unpredictability that comes with newborns. Parents will appreciate both the warning about the noise ahead and the reminder that some things can’t be learned from a manual.
27. Your baby photos will now outnumber all other photos on your phone by 10,000 to 1. Hope you have cloud storage!
Technology habits change dramatically with babies. This message works because it predicts a specific behavior new parents often don’t see coming. It’s great for friends who are organized with their photos or who value their phone space.
The specific ratio makes it funnier because, while exaggerated, it feels eerily accurate. Parents will laugh now and then be shocked later when they realize your prediction about their photography habits was right on target.
28. Your conversations will now revolve around poop consistency. Welcome to the glamorous life of parenthood!
Some aspects of parenthood are surprisingly unglamorous. This message works because it highlights the contrast between expectations and reality. It’s perfect for friends who enjoy irony or who have been focused on the cute parts of having a baby.
Using “glamorous” to describe discussions about poop creates the perfect humorous contrast. Parents will appreciate both the heads-up about future conversations and the acknowledgment that parenthood isn’t always as picture-perfect as it seems on social media.
29. Hope you like surprises, because your baby will have many for you. Some involve bodily fluids.
The element of surprise makes parenthood an adventure. This message works because it hints at the unexpected moments ahead without getting too graphic. It’s great for friends who enjoy surprise parties but maybe not surprise fluids.
The vague reference to “bodily fluids” lets parents fill in the blanks with their imagination. Parents will laugh at the warning and then be amazed later at how many different surprises can indeed involve various unexpected liquids and solids!
30. Soon you’ll master one-handed everything: eating, typing, cooking, and even showering. It’s like becoming a ninja.
The skill development aspect of parenthood is often overlooked. This message works because it focuses on the new abilities parents gain rather than just what they give up. It’s perfect for friends who enjoy challenges or learning new things.
Comparing these skills to ninja training adds a celebratory tone to something that develops out of necessity. Parents will laugh at the comparison now and then be impressed later when they find themselves performing seemingly impossible feats with a baby in one arm.
Wrapping Up
Writing a funny message in a maternity card doesn’t take special talent – just a willingness to make someone smile during one of the biggest changes of their life. A good laugh is exactly what expecting parents need before the sleepless nights begin and their conversations start revolving around diaper brands.
Your funny card will stand out from all the serious ones and might even earn a spot on the fridge instead of getting tucked away in a baby book. Most importantly, your humor shows that you’ll be there through the messy, tired, wonderful journey ahead – ready with more jokes when they need them most.