You’re walking along the beach, and you find a glass bottle with a note inside. Your heart races as you pry out the cork. Could it be a treasure map? A love letter from 100 years ago? Nope. It’s just a grocery list someone tossed in the ocean. Talk about a letdown!
But what if YOU could be the person who puts something amazing in a bottle? Something that makes a stranger laugh when they find it washed up on some faraway beach? I’ve spent way too much time thinking about this (my wife says I need a hobby), and I’ve got some ideas that might make you the bottle-message champion of your town.
Funny Things to Write in a Message in a Bottle
Want to make someone’s beach day a little weirder? Try one of these bottle messages. They’re guaranteed to confuse, amuse, or at least make someone scratch their head and wonder about you.
1. “This is bottle #573. Please report finding to the Bureau of Ocean Messages.”
This message works because there is no Bureau of Ocean Messages. Your finder might spend time looking it up or wondering if they missed an important government agency.
You can add a fake website or phone number to really sell it. Just imagine someone calling a random number to report their “important” bottle discovery. The confusion will spread like wildfire!
2. “Congratulations! You’ve been selected to inherit my collection of left shoes.”
Everyone loves thinking they’ve won something. This message dangles the promise of a prize that nobody wants.
Left shoes are completely useless without their partners. Your bottle finder will first feel excited, then confused, then laugh when they realize how silly the whole thing is. It’s the emotional roller coaster we all need!
3. “If you’re reading this, the time machine worked! What year is it?”
Time travel fascinates everyone. Your note suggests you’ve sent a message forward in time, making the finder part of your “experiment.”
They might actually write the date on your note and throw it back to sea. Now you’ve created a fun game where bottles travel the world collecting dates. Your little joke could become a multi-year, multi-person adventure!
4. “Help! I’m trapped in a bottle factory and they’re making me write these notes!”
This classic joke gets a nautical twist. It plays on the old “help I’m trapped in a fortune cookie factory” line that always gets a chuckle.
The mental image of someone forced to write bottle messages all day is both silly and slightly concerning. Your finder will laugh but might also pause for a second to wonder if you’re actually okay. That mix of emotions makes great comedy!
5. “This bottle contains the ghost of Captain Bluebeard. Please do not open underwater.”
Ghost stories and pirate tales make perfect bottle messages. This one warns of supernatural danger with a completely useless safety tip.
How would anyone open it underwater anyway? The ridiculous warning creates a funny mental picture of someone struggling to open a bottle while swimming, worried about releasing a pirate ghost. Pure silliness that makes people smile!
6. “The treasure is buried where the palm tree meets the big rock. Good luck figuring out which beach I’m talking about!”
Treasure maps are the classic bottle message. This one promises riches but is completely unhelpful about the location.
Every beach has palm trees and rocks! Your finder will immediately realize how useless this clue is. But for a brief moment, they’ll dream of finding treasure, and that little spark of adventure is the real gift you’re giving them.
7. “Day 487 on the island. The coconuts have started talking to me. They’re not very nice.”
Castaway stories feel perfect for bottle messages. This one suggests you’ve lost your mind while stranded, which is both funny and a little sad.
Adding that the coconuts are mean gives it an extra laugh. Your finder might look differently at coconuts for a while, wondering what insults they might be holding back. Sometimes the best humor comes from the completely absurd!
8. “Official notice: The ocean you are standing next to has expired. Please contact customer service for a refund.”
This message treats nature like a product that can be returned. The idea that someone could “own” the ocean or that it could “expire” is completely bonkers.
Your finder will laugh at the absurdity of calling customer service about an entire ocean. It pokes fun at our consumer culture where everything seems to come with a warranty and return policy. Even the sea!
9. “Plot twist: This isn’t a message in a bottle. It’s a bottle in a message. Think about it…”
Here’s a mind-bender that will make someone go “huh?” This message pretends to be philosophical but is actually just nonsense.
People love feeling smart. For a second, they’ll try to figure out the deep meaning, then realize you’re just being silly. That moment of realization is where the laugh happens. It’s like a tiny brain prank!
10. “I threw this bottle in the ocean to see how long it would take to come back to me. If you’re not me, please throw it back.”
This message shows delightful misunderstanding about how oceans work. The idea that a bottle would circle back to the same person is hilariously wrong.
Your finder might wonder if you really believe this could work. The request to throw it back is the perfect touch – as if that would somehow help it find its way “home.” Geography teachers everywhere are crying!
11. “This bottle contains my hopes and dreams. They’re waterproof.”
Putting emotional content in a silly context creates great comedy. Claiming your dreams are waterproof gives them an absurd physical quality.
The message starts sounding deep and meaningful, then takes a turn into the ridiculous. That contrast between heartfelt and silly is what makes people smile. Plus, it’s a little reminder that hopes and dreams should be waterproof – able to survive life’s storms!
12. “Breaking News: Local fish declares, ‘Water is overrated.’ More at 11.”
Fake news gets even funnier when it’s about fish. The idea of a fish complaining about water is a perfect absurd image.
The “more at 11” adds to the joke by suggesting there’s a TV news program for underwater creatures. Your finder will picture a serious fish news anchor, which is always funny. This works because it mixes the familiar format of news with the impossible scenario.
13. “Dear Future Person, please confirm: Do the robots rule kindly, or have they enslaved humanity?”
This message assumes a future where robots have taken over. It forces the finder to play along with your apocalyptic fiction.
They’ll have to decide which answer is funnier – benevolent robot overlords or evil machines. Either way, you’ve made them briefly imagine a sci-fi future and participate in your little story. Interactive comedy is the best kind!
14. “I’ve sent 99 bottles out to sea. You’re number 100! No prize, I just like round numbers.”
People expect milestone numbers to mean something special. This message builds up excitement, then deliberately disappoints.
The honesty about there being no prize makes it even funnier. You’re admitting to a completely pointless project done just to satisfy a mild preference for round numbers. We’ve all done something similarly illogical, which makes it relatable comedy.
15. “This is an ocean warranty inspection. Results: Your ocean contains the correct amount of water. Pass.”
Official-sounding nonsense makes for great humor. This message pretends that oceans need regular certification, which is absurd.
What would the “correct amount” of water even be? The official “Pass” rating adds to the bureaucratic feeling. It pokes fun at how we humans try to regulate and control everything, even things as vast and uncontrollable as the ocean.
16. “Secret message: The seagulls are watching. They know what you did last summer.”
Paranoid conspiracy theories about ordinary birds are always funny. Seagulls are especially good targets since they already look judgmental.
Making them seem like secret agents watching human behavior creates a silly mental image. Your finder will probably look up at any nearby seagulls and feel momentarily self-conscious. Creating that real-world reaction is comedy gold!
17. “I’m writing this message in the year 1923. If you’re reading this, I have one question: Do cars fly yet?”
Historical messages with modern questions create a fun time-travel vibe. The question about flying cars taps into our disappointed expectations about the future.
Your finder will probably think, “No, and we’re still waiting!” It creates a connection between you and them across time. Like you’re both in on the same joke about how we always think technology will advance faster than it does.
18. “Ocean complaint form: Too wet. Too salty. Contains fish. 2/10 stars. Would not swim again.”
Review culture gets a funny twist when applied to something as unchangeable as the ocean. Rating the sea like a hotel room is wonderfully absurd.
The complaints are all just describing what an ocean is supposed to be. It’s like complaining that the sky is too blue or that bears are too furry. The “would not swim again” part seals the joke by suggesting there are other ocean options.
19. “Warning: This bottle message will self-destruct in 5 seconds. Just kidding, paper doesn’t work that way.”
Mission Impossible meets reality in this message. It starts with an exciting spy-movie trope, then immediately breaks the fourth wall.
The joke is in the instant deflation of the dramatic tension. You set up an expectation, then point out how ridiculous it is in the real world. It’s the comedy of crushed expectations, which always hits the funny bone.
20. “Dear Ocean Finder, please settle a bet – is a hot dog a sandwich? My marriage depends on your answer.”
This message drags the finder into a silly debate that has supposedly serious consequences. Everyone has an opinion on the hot dog question.
Claiming your marriage hangs in the balance over this trivial matter adds delightful stakes. The finder might actually write their answer and throw the bottle back, feeling like they’ve participated in saving or dooming your relationship. Who could resist?
21. “This isn’t a message in a bottle. It’s an eviction notice. All water must vacate the ocean by Tuesday.”
Legal language applied to impossible situations creates wonderful absurdity. The ocean can’t be evicted, and water can’t read notices.
The deadline makes it even funnier. Where would all the water go by Tuesday? Who would enforce this? The more you think about it, the sillier it gets. Good comedy often works this way – it becomes funnier as you consider the implications.
22. “I bet you thought you’d find something interesting in this bottle. We’re both disappointed.”
Self-aware humor acknowledges the finder’s likely letdown. You’re both breaking the fourth wall and creating a shared moment of disappointment.
By putting yourself on the same level as the finder – both wishing the message was better – you create an unexpected connection. It’s like you’re both in on the joke of how anticlimactic bottle messages usually are.
23. “Dear Ocean, Please return to sender. This fish was defective. Receipt enclosed.”
Treating the ocean like a store where you can return wildlife is pure comedy gold. The formal complaint structure makes it even funnier.
Mentioning an enclosed receipt (which obviously isn’t there) adds another layer to the joke. What would a fish receipt even look like? The finder will enjoy picturing you as someone who thinks they can return natural creatures for a refund.
24. “Congratulations! Your beach has been selected for our alien landing on June 15th. Please keep crowd size under 1,000.”
Mixing the mundane (crowd control) with the extraordinary (alien invasion) creates great comic contrast. The matter-of-fact tone makes it even better.
Your finder will check the date – has June 15th passed? Is it coming up? Either way, the brief moment of “wait, what if…?” is what makes this message work. Even the most skeptical person enjoys a second of wondering.
25. “This bottle contains the sound of a whale singing. Unfortunately, sound can’t be stored in bottles. Technology is disappointing.”
Setting up then immediately crushing expectations creates perfect comedy timing. You promise something magical, then admit the obvious limitation.
The little commentary on technology adds a relatable touch. We all sometimes wish for impossible things from our devices and inventions. This message captures that very human frustration in a silly, ocean-themed way.
26. “Beach inspection results: Sand too sandy. Water too wet. Sunset acceptable. Needs improvement.”
Reviewing natural features as if they could be changed is always funny. The complaints are just describing things working exactly as they should.
The “needs improvement” conclusion feels like every corporate evaluation ever, applied to something completely beyond human control. It pokes fun at our tendency to judge and try to perfect everything, even perfect natural settings.
27. “I’ve been trapped on this beach for 20 minutes. Send snacks. The seagulls are eyeing my sandwich.”
Treating a minor inconvenience like a survival situation creates great comedy contrast. Twenty minutes is hardly “trapped.”
The seagull threat is relatable to anyone who’s had a beach lunch. Your finder will likely look around for hungry birds after reading this, creating a real-world connection to your joke. The best comedy connects to experiences we’ve all had.
28. “Ocean temperature rating: Chilly, but refreshing. Wave quality: Splashy. Fish attitude: Distant, yet judgy.”
Rating systems for things that can’t be controlled or changed are inherently funny. The increasingly personified descriptions build the humor.
Giving fish an “attitude” is the perfect topper – as if the finder should be concerned about the emotional state of nearby wildlife. It’s absurd anthropomorphism that creates a vivid and silly mental image of disapproving fish staring at swimmers.
29. “Help! I’ve fallen into a time loop. If this is the 17th bottle you’ve found from me today, please ignore.”
Time travel paradoxes make great comedy material. This message suggests you’re stuck repeating the same actions over and over.
The instruction to ignore the 17th bottle implies there might be important information in bottles 1-16. Your finder will wonder if others have found your messages, creating a mystery where there is none. It’s a joke that creates its own little universe.
30. “Beach Safety Tip: If the tide goes out very far very fast, it’s not the ocean giving you more beach. Run.”
This message sneaks actual useful tsunami advice into a joke format. The humor comes from the casual understatement of a serious situation.
Framing a tsunami as the ocean being deceptively generous adds dark comedy. Your finder will laugh but might actually benefit from this information someday. It’s humor with a hidden practical purpose, which gives it an extra layer of satisfaction.
Wrapping Up
So there you have it – 30 ways to confuse and amuse random beach-goers with your bottle messages. Will any of these notes change someone’s life? Probably not. Will they make someone smile on a day they needed it? I sure hope so.
Next time you finish a fancy drink on the beach, don’t just toss that bottle in the trash like a boring person. Grab a pen, get silly, and make someone’s future beach walk a little more interesting. Just make sure to wash the bottle first – nobody wants to find a sticky message!